I’m still wrapping my head around it. No doctor has had an explanation but here’s the short of it: I had a freak and extreme reaction to a medication, my boyfriend had to do CPR on me. He saved my life. And you bet your ass he is my hero.
An ambulance ride, most of a night in the ER, and many tests left lots of scary questions, but no exact answers. In the end I’m fine. And yes, I’m downplaying it. It was a big fucking deal. I’m just over trying to explain it.
For a week and a half I recovered and processed, which looked like being quiet and snuggling in my bed a lot, letting the huge energetic upgrade gradually settle into my system, and staring off into space while I just Felt It All.
As you’d guess, my boyfriend and I were glued to one another during that time, we were like two magnets that just kept finding our way wordlessly back into each other’s arms. There were tears and hours of just clinging to each other. I led a few group calls for work that week and I spoke honestly about what I was experiencing. Everything else I canceled. The reboot has taken some time.
Then I had to get on a plane to fly to Hawaii and lead a retreat and pack the last of my belongings and sell my house. And my boyfriend got scary sick. So my processing slowed down while I handled all of that then rushed home to take care of him.
I was excited to come on this retreat and have some spaciousness to process what happened and all that’s been happening in the 2 months since.
I’ve been watching curiously: What will come of it? Cause you know it’s gonna be good! My brain took a hell of an energetic jolt, like a bolt of lightening is how my mom saw it, she and I were both clear from the get go that this was some kind of big upgrading in my system. It’s taken time for the whole thing to reboot.
Outside of all the shifts in my system, so far there have been 4 major things that I’ve been learning or deciding since this happened:
One day shortly after this happened, I looked down at my body and noticed some imperfection, and then I stopped in my tracks and thought “oh my god, this body could be rotting in the ground right now..... what the fuck am I doing complaining about cellulite?!” I stood there feeling a whole new kind of appreciation and love for my body! “I won the fucking lottery with this body!” I thought “It’s strong and vibrantly healthy and beautiful! I don’t want to waste a second of the time I get with this body complaining about it. I want to love and worship her everyday.”
I desire more time with my family, this isn’t new, it’s been there for years, but now I HAVE to make it happen. In some moments this comes from a place of fear of losing them, the rest of the time it comes from deep love. I’m working with the fear.
Whether I get 5 more minutes or 50 more years with this man, I don’t want to waste a second being even 1% closed off. I want to be 100% wide open in my heart. This has been my goal since day 1 and I’ve been working hard on it. But now there’s a much bigger reason and motivation after our relationship almost being cut short.
As I tried to wrap my head around this event, I thought about the things you commonly hear from people who have near death type experiences, they always say it made them decide to live their life fully. I tried that on, is there a way I want to live life more fully? Nope! I already really LIVE life. I live it so fully! There is nothing I would change about the way I live my life. How bad ass is that?
Maybe this has sparked some thoughts or reflections in you. Maybe you can use my experience to gain perspective or insights into what's really important for you. I’d love to hear if you feel inspired to share.
I think I’ll share my thoughts on death and my conversation with God, but that feels like a story for another day.
For today, I’m here living the fullest life I know how, feeling all the feels.
With love and immense gratitude,
Cara
